The speech I delivered this weekend.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Friends and Relatives, and anyone else who may have wandered in to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Welcome.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Peter, for those of you who do …. I apologize.

I want to start by congratulating Lisa and Dan, and thanking all of you for coming this weekend.
When Lisa first told me - note that I was told, not asked! - that I was making a speech at the rehearsal dinner, my first thought was: “At the rehearsal dinner? Really? Wow, the day BEFORE the wedding. Thanks. And, I thought we were supposed to be best friends.”

And, in classic Lisa fashion, she placed conditions on this speech. First, that I not be vulgar, stereotypical, demeaning, impolite, overly sarcastic, or politically incorrect in any way. Second, I could tell the truth about her as long as I restricted myself to the good things. Now because a one-minute speech would seem ridiculous, I’ve decided to ignore her.

She also said that if I did a good job I could make a repeat performance at her next wedding. Just kidding.

Let’s begin.

What can I say about a person who came from humble beginnings, and is now quickly rising to the very top of their profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower; a person who is beginning to distinguish themselves at the very highest level among peers, and whom others cannot say a bad word about. But enough about me.

What I’m really here for this evening is to talk about the lovely Lisa [...].

Lisa was born in 1978. And I had a quick look on the web to see what other events took place that year. 1978 was the year that The Smurfs appeared on TV for the first time. It was also the year that the films Superman and Grease were released. Also, for all future nerds, the first computer bulletin board system was created. But the main event of 1978 was the birth of the world's first test tube baby, and isn’t Lisa looking well tonight ladies and gentlemen?

Flash forward to a smart, eager, yet a bit rebellious college student, who would constantly sleep in and walk the campus of Saint Louis University in red converse sneakers and hair a complete mess. But, you know, that just made Lisa all that more endearing.

Lisa was a political science nerd, and I a history geek. So, naturally, we became excellent friends.

During college, our shared interests led us to participate in a few extra-curricular activities. One, specifically, comes to mind: Model United Nations. I cannot remember when I laughed so much as when Lisa and I sat at a table, as representatives of some crappy third-world, country. We did nothing more than make fun of all the other participants. It wouldn’t surprise me learn that by our actions, or inactions to be more precise, we initiated some world conflict.

Also, our mutual love of traveling led us to destinations near and far. I recall a weekend trip we took to Memphis, Tennessee. On the way back to St. Louis, Lisa was caught speeding. She was traveling about 95 miles per hour in a 55 mile per hour zone. When, the police officer asked where we were going in such a hurry, Lisa, without hesitation, replied, “we’re late for dinner.” Classic Lisa.

We also traveled to Europe on more than one occasion. On one such trip, Lisa was adamant about stopping in Düsseldorf, Germany. She was told that the [...]s may have originated there, so Lisa was determined to find at least one relative. But, the only thing we found was a group of drunkards slumped over their drinks outside the main train station. Come to thing of it, they did kind of resemble a few of you here tonight. Just kidding.

Lisa, tomorrow is the big day. Lucky for you, I came across a great way for you to stay calm during the ceremony. It involves three key elements of the wedding service itself:

The Aisle - it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter or the Huppa - the place where two become one (But since the Huppa makes no sense for the upcoming joke, let’s go with “alter.”)
The Hymn - the celebration of marriage

So, Lisa, if you get nervous at any time tomorrow afternoon, just whisper to yourself:

Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn,…. I’ll alter him

On a serious note, Lisa, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great friend to me over the years and I know how happy Dan makes you...it truly is a great honor to be here to celebrate this occasion with you. So, thank you.
Now if any tradition dictates, I am supposed to stand here and pay tribute –briefly – to the future groom.

I didn’t know Dan before he dated Lisa, so I can’t tell you embarrasing stories about him, but I can tell you that I think he’s perfect for Lisa. He has certainly lived up to my very strict expectations and will make a wonderful husband and partner to Lisa. Dan is easy going, interesting, easy to talk to, caring, and he has a great sense of humor! And, I hear he can maneuver a vacuum cleaner like a pro. Lisa couldn't have asked for a better person to share the rest her life. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand....and raise your glasses in a toast to Lisa and Dan.
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To love, laughter, and happily ever after... Congratulations.

Labels: funny, life, wedding